Moving Forward or Pulling Back ?

When do you stop, think, and evaluate a situation? When do you back away from something that just isn’t beneficial to your progress. I read a quote that stated “Life is only 10% and 90% of it is how we react.” When we go through life, we experience certain things that could either break us down or lift us up.

As humans when something bad or someone hurts us we tend to pull away from the situation. Is that always the best decision to make? Should we tackle these issues head on? I seem to struggle with this a lot, because truth be told anything that is harmful towards me, or makes me feel uncomfortable I “Shut Down” meaning I stop giving energy to it.

But is this always the right chose to make, or should I learn to tackle my demons and move forward. Karma is a B***h and she always comes back to collect her debt. vindication is always best, and even when we don’t want to face a problem or a situation is best to fight it head on.

Problems don’t vanish, and they won’t go away. So no matter how big the problem or how difficult it may be, your equipped to handle just about anything. Move forward to a solution, and pull back from the problem.

 

8.15.17

Eddie M

 

Month After Surgery 

It’s been a month since I had open heart surgery, and to be honest it’s hard to even think I had the surgery.  I wanted to share my experience leading to the surgery and the days following it. 

Before I had the surgery on May 15 my family came into town from Maryland, Virginia, and Georgia. My dad came as well and just been having him here meant the world to me. I’m very grateful for my family because without their love and support I don’t even know if I was going to make it through this. 


Dad & Mom and I! I have to say I have the best parents in the world. They’ve always protected me, guided me, and encouraged me, and they might couldn’t have protected me from this heart condition or this surgery, but they were there to help me and guide me through it. 

The night before surgery

The night before surgery, I could barely sleep. I kept pacing back and forth around the house wondering is this my last night being home or what if I didn’t make it. So many what-ifs played in my mind until a point came to when I just broke down in my room and cried until I couldn’t anymore. I cried out to God to ask him to heal me, to fix me, to allow me to live and have a second chance at life because I wasn’t ready to die. That night was the night I gave all my faith and every thing I believed in to God. This was the first time in my life that I let go and let God!! 

That same night my bestfriend from 7th grade came and stayed the night with me. I was happy she came because she was able to keep my mind off everything. Also we always have a good time with each other. 

Surgery Day (May 15th)

Waking up for surgery day my heart was racing, I felt like time was rushing me. Everything seem to be happening right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it. I was dressed, I was packed, and everything was ready to go. The car ride to the hospital my mom and I played Beyoncé and sung  all the way there. Once we arrived my sisters, niece, bestfriend, and Dad had already arrived. Walking to check-in I was nervous I was scared but I was always prepared for what was about to happen. 

Sitting their waiting was the worse because I laughed with my family and friends not thinking about the environment I was in until two nurses came out to call my name, I remember asking can my mom and dad come back with me. 

While in the back they went over everything that will be taking place, and how the procedure should go. Once I was gowned and signed all the paper work. The nurse allowed all my friends and family to come back. In total I had over 20 people with me until it was time. 

Before it was my time my aunt said a prayer that  was so powerful and encouraging that it put me more at ease. The nurse asked that a few people had to leave and only a few could stay. Well that time came and I had to go back to the operating room my heart sunk. 


Me and my big sister before they took me back!

Before they hauled me to the OR I was able to hug my mom and dad. Which I would say was the hardest thing to do. I mean it was just a hug right? No this hug was a hug of uncertainty not knowing if I would see my beautiful parents again. I told both my parents how much I loved them and that I was going to wake up. 

Heading to the back the anesthesiologist and another nurse talked to me keeping my mind off of everything. As I entered the OR I remember seeing a big light, and my surgeon with a bunch of nurses around. Right before I was put under I remember the nurse asking me what’s one thing I love in the whole world? I remember telling him my nieces and nephews. I told him my fear is that I won’t wake up to see them again. 


Long story short my surgery was a success! Granted the 6 weeks on bed rest hasn’t been fun, but I’ve learned to appreciate life so much more. I never want to take it for granted. 

My heart surgery didn’t conquer me, it didn’t stop me. I conquered my surgery I survived and beat open heart surgery. At 24 years old I asked God what’s next because I’m a warrior and I can take on anything. 

I want to thank all my family members, friends and even extended people who have reached out and prayed for me. I’m very grateful and thankful. 

– Eddie M

To wait, or not to wait.

If your single, this post probably relates to you. I’ve been thinking about my new found single life, and I have to say it sucks! I’m so use to actually being in a relationship with someone that being single just doesn’t fit me well. I like the whole idea of companionship but its hard to find that with someone. (In my opinion at least)

Yes, I’ve been trying to get to know people, but I’m so susceptible to a nice smile and a drink! Yes I know right a drink, all it takes is for me to have one drink and I’m so ready to flirt with the entire room. Not because I want a hook up or want a relationship, its just that I like the idea of someone wanting me. At least I can see whats out there right? Yeah no not really.

Flirting can only get you so far, especially if I’m using a alcohol as a conduit to lead me into temptation. Knowing in a sober mindset I would never do such a thing. I guess to be honest I don’t know how to wait and enjoy myself, I like to move on quickly to a new relationship not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to learn how to wait, I’m learning to wait actually.

There’s this guy I like a lot, he is a really good guy practically perfect in my eyes. However he won’t date me because he says I’m not ready to date. He says this because of my actions when I’m flirting with guys right in front of him. I always go back to that childish mindset of well maybe if you actually acted on it then we wouldn’t have this problem. Then I think wait…. that’s immature thinking.

I mean how can I honestly expect this guy to take me serious if I can’t even take myself serious. I mean shouldn’t I wait until I have a full understanding of what I want and what I need. Shouldn’t I wait until I know exactly who I am inside and out before investing into another long term relationship?

The problem is I’m lonely, never really been alone and this guy makes me fell whole again. However I have yet to prove to him that I really just want him. A part of me is scared, another part is terrified to even get that close to another human being. I don’t want to take a chance to only be hurt in the long run.

I’m a complicated mess, waiting to be understood and untangled. I use to believe I would be able to find someone to compliment that, but now I think the best person to untangle my twisted web is me. So as much as I would like to prove to this guy that I’m ready, I think I’m just going to wait.

-Eddie M

What’s next? What are you doing? 

This drive for success is embedded in me. I don’t know if it’s because of my upbringing or because I was genetically born this way but it’s there. Success doesn’t come easy obviously, but what are we doing to make sure we are successful. 

Each day we are given a chance to be and do better then yesterday. I always ask myself what can I do differently today that I didn’t do yesterday. This goes for relationships, work, finances, school, etc I mean we are constantly learning and growing, but what are we actually doing? 

We complain about life and where we think we should be, but never appreciate where we are now. I know I do, I set these arbitrary goals or rules that I have follow or meet for my life to be perfect. That’s the thing life isn’t perfect, and the road to success won’t be either. But how do we achieve it ? 

I think the best way to achieve success is we do something everyday to work towards are success. Read a book, watch a tutorial, gather information, whatever your drive is to be successful do it. 

I find myself sometimes thinking about my success, so I set up this rule that whatever I can do today to get closer then do it. 

Tomorrow isn’t promised, Yesterday is history, you can only live for today. 

Focus on today and take steps to get closer to your success. My question is what are you doing today ? 

Eddie M 

Control Your Life

Be the person you want people to see you. Don’t allow yourself to change because someone hurt you. When you change because of someone else you giving them control over you.  

When do we stop giving up control, and just control. I think Janet Jackson said it best “It’s my time to take control” your life is yours, and you have to live it the best way you know how. 

Don’t allow negative people in your ear. Don’t allow them to alter who you are. Be strong, be brave, be fearless! Know your worth, take control. 

Remember it’s your life! You gotta live it!! 

– Eddie M 

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Baby Steps

Take baby steps! Just one day at a time, set small goals that will lead to a bigger goals. Don’t put to much on your plate. Just take small portions and break them down. You’ll soon see the end results as you go get through it. 
Baby steps. Don’t over think your goals just take them one step at a time. 
– Eddie 

Book of Life 

So my dad use to always tell me “Son each year I expect something different from you. What you were doing last year, you should’ve grown from and improve the next year.” 

My dad always believed in growing and learning throughout life, he also told me that life is like a book and you have chapters of life. Sometimes we don’t like a chapter but we must get through it in order to proceed to the next page. Look at the chapters of your life as the age you were at that time. 

 Some people who are in chapter 10 may not be in chapter 13, or when you hit chapter 30 you should’ve grown from chapter 20. Life is a continuous cycle and we take it for granted, but you have to learn and grow. I’ve done a lot of learning and a lot of growing and I know I’m the same person I was yesterday or 72 hours ago. 

Don’t think because you’re not where most 20yr olds are that you’re behind or you’re failing at life. To be honest you are just on the right track for yourself. Life isn’t a race it’s an experience. We are Godly spirits having a human experience, and we learn as we grow. 

It’s okay to mess up, to fail, to be hurt, to hurt, to cry, to love, to be heartbroken. Because you have to experience life, and that alone helps us grow into the person that we’re suppose to be. 

So take the weights off you, and just smell the fresh air and know everything is working out the way it’s suppose to. If it’s not then look at yourself and say “What can I do about today, that I didn’t do yesterday?” That right there will guide you to higher levels in your life 

Stay blessed, and remember your life is like a book and your the writer of it, make sure to make it good. 


– Eddie M 

Letter to my Ex 

I thought I forgave you. I thought I moved on from you. But it took a conversation for someone to mention to me how much I mention your name and how I blame you for so much of what has happen to me since we broke up. 

So I’m writing this to clear my mind from you. I’m writing this to let go, I’m writing this to move on and to better myself. Because if I don’t do this I’m gonna hurt so many people because I’ll be bitter I’ll be angry and I won’t be myself. 

You’ve hurt me, you’ve used me, you’ve practically destroyed my heart. The way I loved you was the way a mother loved her first born. The way a kid loves candy or ice cream. I loved you when the sun would rise and I loved you when the sun would set. But yet you hurt me. 

From the day you got stupid drunk and choked me until I almost passed out. From the fights we have had at malls or in clubs I still stayed. I stayed because I was so in love with you. I saw so much potential for you and for us. I told you I wouldn’t give up on you, and well I guess things don’t work out that way. 

I’ve invested so much time, money, and emotions into you that I forgot who I was.  I helped you in your darkest times. I’ve payed for court fees, I paid to have you out of jail on three occasions. I even helped you with the job process  of becoming a flight attendant yet you hurt me. The day you went to Hawaii without even telling me you hurt me. To find out you stayed with another guy there you hurt me. To knowing you were moving to Texas to stay with your two gay roommates you hurt me. 

I’ve tried to fight I tried to stay and be there for you but you hurt me. You stood in my sister wedding, you helped me bury my grandmother. You’ve attended both of my college graduations. I even tried to push you into school myself because I saw so much potential. 

I guess that’s the thing, I saw the potential in you and what I wanted you to become. But not what you wanted. I saw a love for you that I never thought I would see for myself. But the day you hurt me was when you told me all the things I’ve done for you didn’t mean anything that you would be where you are in life without me. 

You told me that the years of me driving you back and forth to work everyday didn’t mean anything knowing that I took 30 mins of my morning and afternoon to make sure you made it home safe. 

The fact that when you had a suspended license and bad tags for your car that I followed you back and forth everyday to work and home. 

Or when you started working for the airline that I would get up two hours before I have to get up to take you to the airport and drive an hour back in traffic to work. 

Your telling me that when you had $3,000  of debt that when I paid it off without blinking an eye that it didn’t mean anything. 

When you didn’t have a job how I got you hired at my old job and how they covered for you when you was in jail. 

How me and my friends helped get your car out of impound. 

But yet you say you were you’re at because of yourself 

To be honest FUCK YOU

I will never in my life do what you did to me to someone else. We might didn’t make it but for you to say that and to move on to a new relationship as quick as we ended that hurts 

I lost myself because I was so in love with you. I protected you, I fought for you, I willing to put everything on the line for us to work.  

I started drinking more because I didn’t want to deal with the pain of you. I treated people different because of the pain of you. I lost my own self respect because of the pain of you. 

But no longer will I ever let you have this control over me. I forgive you, for the pain, for the lies, for the hurt. You may have used me, you may have hurt me, but I will no longer give you control over me. 

I forgive you and yes we didn’t make it but I’m letting go of you and I’m letting go of what we had. No longer will I hold this over my head. No longer will I act different because of you. 

I forgive you and I’m letting go, I’m forgiving you and I’m letting go. 

 I’m gonna regain control of my life 

So to you my friend, my ex, 

I’m letting go and I forgive you. 
4/4/17 

– Eddie M 

Walking with a vision

Do you believe what you visualize will come to a reality? Do you believe in the power of thinking and letting the world manifest our thoughts. 

It’s kind of like when you say your gonna have a bad day, and you actually do have a bad day. Why are we so quick to think negatively before we can ever begin to think positively. 

I know I’m at fault for that. I look at the negatives before I look at the positives especially when it comes to myself. Only way I can think positive is when I’m trying to push a friend or family member to look at the brighter things in life. 

I think in life we should always think positive and keep a vision of what we want in our lives. For example if you want a change in your finances keep a vision in the forefront of how you want it to change. Or if your yearning for a relationship keep a vision of what you want the next guy or girl to be like. 

I mean all this time you thought negative what’s to lose if we thought positive or had a vision of what we want next. I say give it a shot who’s to say what will happen. 

I challenge you and myself to think positive for at least a week. Look at things that make you happy, vision how you want your life to be and I’m sure it will all come to manifest itself. 

Be great because you are 

– Eddie 

Countdown To Surgery 

I wasn’t going to post about this but I figured I would because maybe it can help someone or someone could relate to my situation. 

Back in August I was diagnosed with a rare heart diseases called Core-Triatriatum basically I have a blockage in my heart which doesn’t allow blood to flow through my body regularly. Which causes me to be extremely tired, forgetful, and short of oxygen. 

The way the problem can be corrected is by open heart surgery. This surgery consist of 6-7 hours and what will take place is them cutting me open and taking my heart out of my chest and repairing the walls and removing the blockage that has caused so many problems for me. 

My surgery date is set for May 15,2017. (6 weeks) away. Yet I’m terrified, because being told I have a heart condition is one thing but secondly to be told that if I don’t have this surgery so many complications can happen to me. Which is a fear I never want to put on anyone. 

If you know me I’m a thinker I think a lot. The first thing that ran in my mind was my mom and dad. How my parents have to be helpless because it’s nothing that they can do to fix it. I never want my parents to have that fear of not being able to help me. I think of my sisters and nieces and how if something happens to me I wouldn’t see them again. Granted I will be honest, death has crossed my mind a lot because a part (very small) makes me want to give up why? Because it’s simple and easy. 

I sat on my moms bed and I looked her in the eyes and just cried and told her I want to quit I want to give up. I told her I’m fighting so hard to push through this but I’m scared. I told my mom that I loved her and I hope I was a good enough son and that I’m sorry if I didn’t pull through this. She gave me a hug and kissed me and say pray to God and all this fear will go away. I prayed with her and I continue to pray everyday 

But I know having good friends and a supportive family that love and care about me makes all the difference.  That makes me want to fight harder and to push through all of this. 

Today it’s me tomorrow it could be you. Please pray for me, as I endure this challenge. 
– Eddie