To wait, or not to wait.

If your single, this post probably relates to you. I’ve been thinking about my new found single life, and I have to say it sucks! I’m so use to actually being in a relationship with someone that being single just doesn’t fit me well. I like the whole idea of companionship but its hard to find that with someone. (In my opinion at least)

Yes, I’ve been trying to get to know people, but I’m so susceptible to a nice smile and a drink! Yes I know right a drink, all it takes is for me to have one drink and I’m so ready to flirt with the entire room. Not because I want a hook up or want a relationship, its just that I like the idea of someone wanting me. At least I can see whats out there right? Yeah no not really.

Flirting can only get you so far, especially if I’m using a alcohol as a conduit to lead me into temptation. Knowing in a sober mindset I would never do such a thing. I guess to be honest I don’t know how to wait and enjoy myself, I like to move on quickly to a new relationship not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to learn how to wait, I’m learning to wait actually.

There’s this guy I like a lot, he is a really good guy practically perfect in my eyes. However he won’t date me because he says I’m not ready to date. He says this because of my actions when I’m flirting with guys right in front of him. I always go back to that childish mindset of well maybe if you actually acted on it then we wouldn’t have this problem. Then I think wait…. that’s immature thinking.

I mean how can I honestly expect this guy to take me serious if I can’t even take myself serious. I mean shouldn’t I wait until I have a full understanding of what I want and what I need. Shouldn’t I wait until I know exactly who I am inside and out before investing into another long term relationship?

The problem is I’m lonely, never really been alone and this guy makes me fell whole again. However I have yet to prove to him that I really just want him. A part of me is scared, another part is terrified to even get that close to another human being. I don’t want to take a chance to only be hurt in the long run.

I’m a complicated mess, waiting to be understood and untangled. I use to believe I would be able to find someone to compliment that, but now I think the best person to untangle my twisted web is me. So as much as I would like to prove to this guy that I’m ready, I think I’m just going to wait.

-Eddie M

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